"Wa gwaan fam"

A White guy walks into his Doctor's and says "Wa gwaan fam, u gotta help me out 

blood, mans tried but I cant stop actin like im black!" The doctor puts 2 lines of white 

powder on his desk & tells the man to snort it up. He does so & immediately jumps up 

and says: "fackin 'ell Doc that gears sorted me rite out mate! What was that stuff, 

cocaine?" Doctor replies: "No,it's Daz, guaranteed to keep your 'whites' white"!! Lol

A Camping Trip

A yardie with his educated son went on a camping trip, set up their tent & fell asleep. 

Some hours later father wakes son & asks: Look up at the Sky an tell me whe yu see. 

Son: I see millions of stars. Father: What does that tell you? Son: Astronomicaly it tells 

us that there are millions of galaxies and planets! Father slaps son on the head and 

says yuh dam idiot yuh nuh see some body thief de r@%s tent !!!!

"The donkey dead."

A man from Kingston moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer

for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the

farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but me have some bad news..."The donkey dead."

"Wha'?" "Well den, just gi me back mi money." "Can't do that. Mi spen dat already."

"OK, then. Just leave the donkey with me." "What you a go do wid him?" "Me a go raffle 


dat." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Yeah man, watch me. Mi just nah tell 


nobody seh 'im dead." A month later the farmer met up with the Kingston man and 


asked, "What happen wid dat dead donkey?" "Dat get raffle off boss. Mi sell 500 ticket 


fi $2 apiece and mek a profit of $998." "Suh nobaddy nuh cuss?" "Only de man weh 


win and mi gi im back im $2.

GRANNY KNOWS BEST

GRANNY KNOWS BEST

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!

An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were 
done there were three finalists: An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man. 

For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The American said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The Agent replies," Then you're
not the right man for this job."

The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes "I tried blokes, but I can't
kill my wife," The Agent replies, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn, he took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said

"Unnuh neva tell mi di @*#@* gun was loaded wid blanks!!", " A beat mi haffi beat har @#^@* to death wid di @*&@ chair!!"

TRUE COURT CASE:

TRUE COURT CASE: 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin,so she moved again.The man seemed more amused.When on the fourth move,the man burst out laughing,she complain to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court.The judge asked the man(about 20 years old)what he had to say for himself.The man replied,'well your honor,it was like this.When the lady got on the bus,i couldn't help but notice her condition.She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Twins are coming' and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'Logan's Liniment will reduce the Swelling',and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'Williams Big Stick Did the Trick',and I could hardly contain myself.But your honor,when she move the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevent this Accident!'i just lost it. CASE WAS DISMISSED!!!

LITTLE JOHNNY

LITTLE JOHNNY

The teacher asked her class of 8 year olds to use a sentence containing the word fascinate.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word"fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bosom is so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried

Memba Dis?

Memba when yu and yu fren dem decide seh unu a go run a boat, the biggest cart wheel dumplin yu eva si!

Welcome to  Home Sweet Home ....lol

Big Shot Jamaican

Big Shot Jamaican Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instruction. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone Home Sweet Home, Welcome Home."

Keep dead quiet, don't answer

Teacher: What's wrong..??

Johnny: my mother, father, & I sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say No then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye :'(

Teacher: tonight wen your dad asks,keep dead quiet, don't answer :X 

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face


Teacher: My goodness why the swelling..??


Johnny: well I did as you said and lied dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving. You know, Mum was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mum, “Are you cumin?“ Mum said, “Yes I'm cumin, are you cumin too?“ Dad answered: “Yes“

They don't usually go anywhere without me So I said, wait for me, I'm coming too :D :P :D 
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Home-Sweet-Home-Food-And-Wine/148335591924633

"Do you have a vagina??

Anna hears someone knock at the door.

She opens to see and a man asks, "Do you have a vagina??" She slams the door in disgust.

The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its the same man. He asks the same question. Anna slams the door again.

Tom gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. Tom says to her, "Honey I'm taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and Tom says, "I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this."

The man asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes!" Replies Anna.

The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's own alone and start using yours!!!

How brilliant am I ?

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

Q3. The Black River flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

* No problem, he sleeps at night

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand...

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I got robbed.....

A man catches this guy having sex with his wife and beats him up and send him is way
 home naked. so guy found his way home nude since it was dark.his wife saw him
 entering the house naked and asked,"wha t happened to you?" He replied,"i got
robbed and the robbers took all my clothes & money".the wife turning away said,"so
 they robbed you, left you naked and gave you a condom to put on?"

The Jamaican Wife

NOOOO NOT I RASTA!!

Interviewer: I hear 97% of Jamaican men are involved in "licky licky" acts so to speak. Is

 that true?

Rastaman: NOOOO NOT I RASTA. Rasta nuh duh dem thing deh!!! Rasta nuh eat!

 Fiyaah!

Interviewer: I hear hear the other 3 % are homosexual

Rastaman: Bwoiiiiii....Yu know wah squeeze mi back inna di 97% deh.

The pharmacist

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord hav...e mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

The man who had nuff riches.....

There was a man who had nuff riches ... big car, house on the hill, gal, money and odda rae rae rae.

Many men wished to be in his shoes. Since the rich man knew this, he took it upon himself to put some of these men on a little test for his riches. He invited them to his place and told each that if they can swim across his swimming pool without getting bitten or scratched by the Crocodile in there, they could then have anyting dem want ... his car, his gal, his house .. whatever.

All of them ketch dem fraid and said them wouldn't do it. As he turned to start letting them out, he heard a splash in the pool, and saw one swimming across it. When he got out, the rich man said to him, "Wow, yuh come een like Superman, yuh nuh get nuh bite or scratch ... so wha yuh want ... mi car, mi gal, mi house, what?" The guy responded, "Mi no wha none a yuh riches again, mi jus wha know a which p#$$y push mi in deh"!

A mi madda, A mi madda

A bus was involved in a accident on Half-Way Tree Road on Friday. As expected, traffic came 2 a stand-still, n a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers anxious 2 gt his story couldnt gt near di bus or di victim's. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Unu let mi tru! Let mi tru! A mi madda gt lick-dung." Di crowd made way 4 him. Lying in front of di bus was a donkey.

The pastor and a church sister

A pastor and a church sister was having sex under a tree but they didn't know that a rasta man was up in da tree. When they finished the church sister asked, "suppose I get pregnant who wud take care of da baby?" Da pastor said "leave it to da one up above!" Da rasta jump down & seh, "not me to blccdclcct!"

A mother was trying to teach her child math

A mother was trying to teach her child math...Mother: Cum on lets practice some maths ...Child: Alright mummy......Mother: Mi ago start wid addition ...Yuh aunty gave u 2 apples, 6 bananas and 4 oranges, wat is ur answer ?.......Child: Nuh must thank you aunty!!!!

"How much u get fi ur pay sah?"

One day, A construction site got a new boss n he wanted dem 2 knw he meant business!!!..So d boss went on di work site and saw a man leaning on di wall doing nttn so he asked, "How much u get fi ur pay sah?". Di man said, "Uhmm..$4000 a week"....d boss asked, "n u lean up ya suso-so?" Di boss marched in his office n came out with a check n said "eh..Here's ur pay 4 di month! now cum offa di damn site!!." Di boss then went and ask di other workers, "wah kinda wuk him did a do yah??" di workers said" "A di PIZZA Delivery guy...sah"..boss: ...seh wah?

“Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!”

A Jamaican opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police(American)arrived at the scene, the Jamaican was complaining bitterly about thedamage to his precious BMW. “Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!”, he whined. “most of you Jamaicans are so materialistic and Show-off, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”....“Rahtid!!!,” Replied the Jamaican, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was…………. “Mi Rolex”!!!

You think Blind Man a idiot....

Blind Man Test

A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. 

The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu. 

"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".

Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it" 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!" 

Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.

Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man." 

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." 

The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. 

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Rass mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"

I Thought You Were My Wife

I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." http://www.facebook.com/pages/Home-Sweet-Home-Food-And-Wine/148335591924633

Big Boy went to school

Big boy went to school and heard other students using ‘raas’; not

 knowing what it means he went home and said to his mother “mama wat raas mean?”

..

His mother replied “is di ting whey yuh fada heng im hat pon.”

..

The next day Big boy heard the word ‘fuckin’ being used. He went home and asked his father this time what it means. His father replied, “Dat a jus when u a put on clothes fi go somewhere.”

..

Big Boy heard yet another word, ‘bumbo’, so he went home and asked his parents what it means and was told that ‘bumbo’ is a walking stick.

..

It was now Sunday and pastor stopped by to give Big Boy and his parents a lift to church. When pastor saw that only Big Boy was ready to go he asked, “Where are your parents, boy?”

..

Big Boy replied, “Them upstairs fuckin so come een an put yuh hat pan dah raas deh an lean up yuh bumbo right deh suh!”

A Jamaican man

A Jamaican man went into a store and picked up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out………he got arrested for stealing the sugar. 

He went to court, the judge asked him why he stole the sugar……….he then replied,

“Yuh Honor, mi nah tief no sugar…..mi look pon de back ah de juice

an it sey SUGAR FREE

so mi nuh undastan wat a gwaan!”

Glad to be drunk

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."